Good morning. Welcome. We’re so glad you’re interviewing for the Role of Mom within our organization, H.O.M.E. As you probably have seen in the job profile, it doesn’t pay anything in the way of dollars, but there are other, more obscure benefits that we will go over when we review the hours and responsibilities.
If you haven’t already completed your certification in the following, it is the expectation of H.O.M.E that you do so within eighteen months of employment: Dietetics, Real Estate, Psychology with a focus on Terrorist Negotiation, and Economics. We also expect all our ‘Moms’ to be licensed in emergency management systems, neonatal resuscitation, and stunt driving.
‘Mom’ is an essential role in our organization, so the interview will be fairly stringent, as you would be responsible for the entire crew of H.O.M.E.’s physical, emotional, spiritual, and punctual needs. We need to make sure you are fit and up for the task. Don’t worry, though. You’ll be fine. Just be yourself, but way, way better. Let’s begin.
The Official Interview for Role of Mom
It says in your résumé that fitness is important to you, and that you spend a lot of time keeping yourself in shape. How would you feel about transitioning that shape to something more like Mrs. Potts from ‘Beauty and the Beast?’ To be clear, we’re talking while the enchantment is still in place and she’s a teapot. Are you good with being a teapot?
How important is pooping alone to you? Would you say you have any timid bowel issues? Here at H.O.M.E you’re going to have to get in and out quickly, and there WILL be tiny zombie fingers under the bathroom door and a chorus of whispers from just beyond that sounds something like, ‘mommmmmommmmmommm.’
If you were to describe your biggest flaw, would it be guilt or shame?
How fast are you at changing a child’s diaper and entire outfit in a tiny public bathroom stall without letting any parts of you or the child touch the floor, toilet, walls, or tampon trash can? There will be a timed test in which you wear sensors that buzz like in the game, ‘Operation.’
Are you able to exercise self-control in the face of great temptation and convenience? The test for this will be you alone in a kitchen with a child’s plate containing the last two unfinished, partially saturated with applesauce, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Will you be able to properly dispose of them, with dignity, or will you scarf them down like a giant garbage rat?
How are you under (perineal) pressure? Have you ever passed a kidney stone? Would you say you handled it with grace and appropriate language? What if we stacked all the kidney stones into one of those rock pile sculptures you see along the beach and you had to pass that whole thing through your tender lady bits all at once? Still workplace appropriate language?
Are you a team player? If, say, you just experienced the worst pain and intense bleeding of your life then stayed up all night nursing a baby with your sore nipples, how would you handle it if another member of H.O.M.E lost a shoe? Would you consider it a proper emergency and get up to help them right away? One of the roles under ‘Mom,’ is the “Finder of Things,” so you would actually be the only one who could find that shoe. This also goes for finding the box of pasta in the cupboard, and the remote control just barely hidden under the corner of the couch. There will be a timed “finding things” test.
No one remembers anything you tell them, ever, about the clock, the calendar, or any plans, but they remember every mean thing you ever said about your great aunt and they WILL bring it up at family gatherings. How do you stay organized?
One of the most crucial parts of your job will be getting people to do things they don’t want to do, all day, every day. Do you have experience in sales? We’ll give you a series of mundane tasks and you give us your spin to make them seem like lightening magic joy fun. Let’s start with “It’s time to brush your teeth, Sophia.” And, go.
Lastly, and this is of critical importance, pulp or no pulp in orange juice? Certain team members have very loud opinions on the texture of juice, and if you get it wrong, you may be required to strain it out with your teeth. Are you committed enough to your H.O.M.E. team members to baby bird them some juice if you get the pulp thing wrong, Karen?
Alright, well, that’s pretty much it!
We discussed the responsibilities and requirements of Mom. The hours are pretty flexible, as long as you’re available from 5:30am through the next 5:30am, every Sunday through Saturday.
We said earlier that we would go over the benefits.
There are so many. So, so many. We could list them alphabetically, or by importance, or chronologically, gosh, there are just SO many perks to being a Mom, it’s hard to know where to start. Like, ummm, tiny socks. Dang, SO cute. And, uh, hugs! Hugs from team members really light up your day. Sometimes the hugs even come WITHOUT a trail of snot on your shirt. That’s pretty nice. What else? When one of them says, “I love you,” it gets you right in the heart bone, and when one of them says, “thank you” it makes it all worth it. It really does. That’s more of an executive level benefit, though. You’ll probably be with the organization for upward of 25 years to hear that from a team member, but won’t it be special when you do?
Anyway. We appreciate you taking the time with us today! We’ll get back to you shortly.